The Fuel That Drives Me

I have been learning a great deal lately about the fuel for the Road Home.  It's a huge deal! But first let me ask you a question, dear reader. 

When you have encountered a need in your life, say a wound from your spouse or a son or daughter who refuses to listen and you come to the end of your rope, where do you turn? Whose counsel do you automatically seek? Friends? Pastors or church counselors? A professional counselor? A ministry offering help? All of these are good options I've used myself depending on the question and the circumstances. Yet, when we're done, when we have our answer, or our solution to walk out, don't you feel a certain emptiness about your soul? Don't you feel a pulling of the spirit toward those who gave you the help, desiring a further closeness and connection? 

Some people feel that desire for connection and it becomes a snare to them. They act on it and begin to cross lines, wanting to be friends or closer than that with those who professionally offer help but can't afford to connect in a personal way with every person they help. They are not merely unwilling but they are completely unable to affect a friendship with those who need that connection. If they were to try, they would not have any sort of a life, nor would they be able to continue helping others. 

There is a friend with whom we can connect in just such a way. This way, this need is a very human, understandable and intimate need. It cannot be met by any human. So who is left? Why the One Who created the need. We need a relationship with the Trinity, connecting with God the Father, whose omnipotence and omnipresence allows us to tap an inexhaustible supply of love and grace and peace to sustain us when we are lugubrious, overwrought, devoid and bereft of comfort and hope. We connect to that fantastic source through the person of Jesus Christ Whose death reconciled us to Him and Whose resurrection established His ultimate power over death and the grave. We interface with Jesus by the very real and living Holy Spirit, Whose power to connect and guide and direct and support drives all the wonderful things God does within us. The power of the Holy Spirit in our lives to speak to and through us is marvelous and makes my heart laugh and take joy at how He works. 

Is this real? Am I just babbling on about God? Maybe a little, but it is because I've connected with the very living God of the Angel Armies, the all-powerful One. I connect with Him and when I do, I fuel up! I get enough to go forward. But I don't go far without Him. I can't. Not in these times. The world either kills you or it drives you back to connect with God. The truth is, we all need Him, every bleeding day.☧

Getting Out of the Judging Contest

Judging from a limited perspective is something we humans do with alarming regularity. It starts innocently enough. Parents teaching their children to be clean and orderly tell them to not be messy like so-and-so's kids. The children learn comparisons. You don't want to be like him or her. You want to be well thought of. You want your parents' approval. Most of all, you want their love, and so you learn to make those comparisons. And comparisons are so very tricky, because comparisons invite judgment. 

The problem with judgment is that no matter how informed a person may be, their human perspective is limited and therefore incomplete. Uninformed judgment, no matter who it comes from, no matter the intention, will always wound the subject. We know this to be true because we have all experienced it. The casual remark of a friend, the gossip that manages to find its way back, the angry, heated words of a frustrated adversary or, worse, a frustrated lover, all of these words are usually based on a judgment that is inevitably flawed, carving a wound through our soul as if we were jello. 

It's not that the words are untrue. If they were, there would be no power in them. It's that only enough of the facts fit to yield a fun-house mirror of our reality, just enough truth to make us look ridiculously incompetent or fabulously uninformed or classically unhinged. Sometimes, were it someone else, we'd be tempted to laugh or cry or dismiss it out of hand. But it's not. It's us. It's personal. And the distorted illusion trumps reality yet again in the quest for the final verdict.

But it's not final. It's not even real, if reality is something that we can truly perceive in these baggy, lumpy, fleshy suits that we call the human body at large. No, and the judgment is not yet rendered by the Judge that counts. That happens when we "shuffle off this mortal coil." We will all find that we are to be judged in a review of our time here. Hebrews says, "It is appointed for man once to die and then the judgment."

How long this review lasts is not clear nor is it a "The state versus John Doe" kind of trial. There are no motions to vacate or objections or depositions. It is a recounting of your life with the God of the Universe and whatever you thought, did, or said is on display. There is no wounding here and there is no comparison. It just is what it says on the box, a judgment. 

I don't have my eschatology in final form, nor do I pretend to know what God thinks or what He plans for the end of the age. I do know that this is not the "Valley of decision" judgment where he separates the sheep from the goats of the world--and trust me, you do not want to be reckoned the goat at this award ceremony! Instead, I believe that the end of everyone's life is a natural conclusion for any human and a way for God to personally address all the "what abouts" and "whys" of our lives. I know I will have more than a few whys piled up to review with Him, things that likely are not possible to reckon until the end, when we can see, as Paul writes, "clearly, face to face"

Until then, I have to resist==constantly resist--the temptation to judge others. Because the judgment of others is not something I desire or need. Instead, I need God's help and guidance every day, hour, minute and second. And most of all, I need the grace afforded to me by Jesus and his death on the Cross. The same grace is available to you. You only need lift a finger to take it.☧

Crossing A Finish Line

My baby just turned 21. That's a finish line for me. But it's not the finish line.

You don't ever stop being a dad, even after you die. You become a father at one point and that doesn't stop. You continue in the relationship, showing how to grow old and be who God created you to be and engaging God in a living, loving relationship that we are called to by Jesus. 

It's all about Him, anyway, and His kingdom is made of the same loving relationships that only He can make perfect. As we get older, we don't have to fix our kids. They don't have to fix us. We let the Master we both know work on us. Even if they run away from Him, all we need to do is be loving and let them ask us for what they need, not shoving what we think they need on them. 

Pray for them. Let God go after them. If you want to go all the way, pray God goes after you! ☧

Why Have You Abandoned Me?

It is not widely known, even among Christians, that when Jesus was hanging from the rough, splintered cross, dangling between the heavens and the earth, between God and humanity, bleeding and struggling for air, his anguished cry, "God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" was not just an anxious plea of separation, but a way of quoting the entirety of the psalm begun by these same words. What began with profound loss that no one but Jesus himself can truly and fully know ends ...like this:

Psalm 22 NIV‬‬

[24] For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

[25] From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.

[26] The poor will eat and be satisfied; those who seek the Lord will praise him— may your hearts live forever! [27] All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the Lord, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, [28] for dominion belongs to the Lord and he rules over the nations. [29] All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him— those who cannot keep themselves alive. [30] Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. [31] They will proclaim his righteousness, declaring to a people yet unborn: He has done it!

https://psalm.bible/psalm-22

From the world's most tortured pulpit, an abused, mangled, scourged lump of flesh wheezes out praise for the I AM. Every bone in his body is intact only so that every nerve can fire messages of utter pain and alarm to his brain. Joint after joint dislocated, heart striving to keep each cell with enough oxygen so that the agony and misery can continue, not able to stop its mad pace even as it too struggles, the body of Jesus must continue until it is utterly spent to the last moment, and in the middle of these moments, he praises God.

No one but Jesus could do that. Utterly worthy is the Lamb who was slain and yet lives forever more!

None of us are unacquainted with pain. We know it, some of us more intimately than others. Physical and emotional pains put tears in our eyes, tears God has promised to wipe from our eyes. This wouldn't be possible without the reckoning Jesus established there outside Jerusalem on Skull Hill. 

He lives now, today. Not even death can keep Jesus down. It helps to remember this on days when I can't get up. All of us live with a disability. Even this psalm points it out to us: "...those who cannot keep themselves alive..." Or as Morrison said, "No one gets out alive." Only Jesus lives. He is still physically alive. No kidding! If it weren't true, why would the psalm point out the difference? Jesus can and does. He laid down his life willingly and then took it back up again. The picture God gives us of baptism, and of Israel passing through the Red Sea. When you pass through the waters (of death), I will be with you, He promises. Only He will never abandon you.

Growing By Layers and Sounds

Something I'm realizing the more I get older is that seldom is anything what it seems on the surface. Things have layers to them that veil differences both stark and subtle. 

Artichokes in Layers

A favorite of mine in late spring is the artichoke harvest! In the days of 365 a year produce, we've forgotten the seasons force scarcity on humanity. Grandparents would recall to me how special oranges at Christmas were. But artichokes remain scarce all year except for late spring. May and June, I love the smell of artichokes boiling, the salt and butter melting together, and the irony that we're actually eating a thistle! Maybe it's the Scottish ancestry in me. 

The artichoke flower has many layers to it. Boiled fresh artichoke is at least a 20-minute appetizer! you start on the outside and the very smallest leaves are also the toughest and most difficult to eat by peeling off, dipping in butter, and then scraping the very tips of the petal for the meat with your teeth. As you work your way in, you find that you can't just go straight towards the center. The petals are broad and interlocked so that finding a free petal is constantly away from where you peeled the last petal. You work your way in, and dozens of petals in, you realize that they are much more tender and have more meat available. 

Eventually, you arrive at the center, where the petals are purple tipped and more akin to translucent film than actual petals. You can easily pull these off. The center contains the seeds, something that the person teaching me how to eat this delicacy called the "choke" in artichoke. 

I asked her what she meant and she said, "well if you get one of these in the back of your throat, you won't enjoy it."   

I deemed it good advice and scraped them out gently with a wonderfully handy tool called a spoon. What remained was the cup or bed that nourished the seeds. The heart is made entirely of the meat you've been nibbling at for nearly half an hour! A quick quartering with a knife or fork yields four bite sized morsels that after a quick dip in butter yield an experience not unlike rapture for me. It is the culmination of the entire affair that from store to stomach takes at least 100 minutes! Like fondue and other shared culinary experiences, it can't be rushed and must be enjoyed. 

Mixing Sound 

As I grew up, I loved listening to music. A friend introduced me to Broadway musicals and thereafter I discovered Chariots of Fire and the beauty of movie soundtracks. I guess that's a good reason why music is usually an emotional experience for me. Born in the early 70s, I was just in time for the fabulous 80s! I won't bore anyone here by telling them how or why those years were so good (mostly) for music, but when I compare it to today's music, I realize how right Jesus' parable is when it says:

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine wants the new, for they say, ‘The old is better.’”

- Luke 5:37-39 NIV

The old is better, and it was only natural that I wanted to learn how it was made. That was the reason I took advantage of my church's need for sound technicians and I got trained in live mixing performances. I learned gradually that there's much more to sound mixing than making sure the microphones are on and keeping feedback from happening! It took time, but God gifted me to mix well enough to go on the road.

You learn that a sound tech is often the least appreciated member of the performance. You've done your job well if no one notices your work. When a sound tech gets noticed, it's never good. What are some complaints I remember?

• "I can't hear the words!"
• "The guitars are too loud!" (oh, guitars! The bane of church sound techs!)
• "There's a dead spot in the corner. I can't hear anything."
• "It's so loud! Can you turn it up/down?"

You're responsible for shaping the work of 3 to 20 or more people into something tens to hundreds or thousands of people hear. No one person can take responsibility for everything, but a sound tech carries a larger burden than most anyone in the group. The only exceptions would be the vocal lead and the drummer. No sound tech can overcome a bad vocal lead or drummer. 

In a nutshell, a performance sound technician takes every voice, every instrument and using electricity, shapes, mixes, and amplifies it at the correct levels so that the audience hears a harmonious and comprehensible performance. The good ones are never noticed. The great ones make the group seem like more than it is. One of the best "compliments" I ever received as a sound tech--and believe me, we remember them!--was when I was accused of using a tape deck to augment the performance with other instruments they heard! Despite what I told them, they refused to believe the tape deck was just for the multimedia presentation (a la Larry the Cucumber's Song of the Cebu), a trio of slide projectors and a professional voiceover track. I loved it because I really knew what he was talking about, but didn't dare claim it was just good mixing and some talented musicians.

I knew intuitively that harmonies between instruments can actually multiply so that the music becomes larger. It feels thicker, more substantial and it can flow together so well you'd think it's magic. Truly, it's an art and a science. There's mathematics and theories and stuff I can't easily explain, but with a good mix, you can actually combine three instruments in a way so that they sound like five or seven. It's something I can do only with practice, and even the best need some time to put it together in a performance. Like chefs, teachers, and doctors, there are the good, the bad, and the truly great. 

Around the time I came back from that road tour, I had a very unique experience that shaped my life in ways I'm still discovering. I know not everyone believes in the gifts of the Spirit or that they can be correctly applied in and to the church, but I do. I went with my folks to hear a preacher who was known informally to function in giving prophetic words. In short, that man called me out of the crowd, without any prompting from me or anyone, and told me among other things that I was to get my heart out of secular work long term, short term is ok, but that God had plans for me long term. Part of that would be to keep pressing into God. Immediately, God gave me a visual of what that looked like.

Have you ever studied the temple of Israel? What I remember of my education in a Christian school tells me all of the following. The first and second temples both had a Holy Place that only the priests could enter. There were special, sacred items in that room. But the far end of that room was partitioned off with a curtain. Behind the curtain was the Holy of Holies that one priest could enter on a single day of the year to perform special rites. In that room, at least initially, was the Ark of the Covenant, the very place where God rested on Earth. The Ark was protected by the power of God and non-Levites who mishandled it were killed by this power. The curtain that partitioned the Holy Place from the Holy of Holies was more than your mom's curtain set. Some scholars believed (I was told) the curtain was several feet thick, composed of curtain upon curtain upon curtain to prevent anyone from seeing into or mistakenly entering the Holy of Holies. It was considered all one curtain, however it was structured. It was to save lives from being blotted out because they were not protected by the blood of the sacrificial lamb.*

I am often awed when I consider what it says in the Gospels, that the moment Jesus Christ died on the cross on the hill of death overlooking the main road into Jerusalem, the curtain in the Holy of Holies was ripped in two. Can you imagine what the sound of several feet of fabric being ripped by the power of God actually sounds like? Consider too, what it means: the ultimate sacrifice of the Lamb of God blots out the sin in us and allows us to enter God's presence with His holiness and not ours.

The picture of pressing into God was of me in a mirror-like representation not unlike an 80s video like A-ha's Take On Me or Howard Jones' You Know I Love You (Don't You?). I was pushing into a liquid and yet solid curtain of God that was a powered and resistive experience. Like I could press in a millimeter at a time as much as I could possibly stand and yet pressing further took every fiber of my being. It was as if I was a priest pressing through the curtain with that sacrifice to do what God wanted and what I needed! 

Since that day, I've been working, intently, to press into Him. I still feel the power and the resistance both working in my life. I couldn't back out if I tried! It's also been like an artichoke. The first layers were tough and I didn't like it much. Yet I kept going. Today it's delicious and tender, flavorful and memorable! And yet, I can't take a shortcut to the center! I am working my way around, taking in the circumference of what God reveals to me of Him. 

Hearing God, Ezekiel compared the sound to the voice of many waters, or a waterfall, or floodwaters, depending on the version you check. Most languages are ill-equipped to make the comparison to what is practically indescribable. Like multiplying instruments and vocals in mixing performances, it gets layered and nuanced and suddenly you're hearing so much more!☧

* - I hope my parents got what they paid for at that school, because it sure wasn't a bargain in terms of the social experience. Some cursory research has borne out at least some of what I knew.

Bono, U2 On Jimmy Kimmel Live

On May 23rd, 2017, U2 were in LA after their concert at the Rose Bowl promoting their 30th Anniversary Joshua Tree Tour on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I missed it, but my DVR did not, thank God. Otherwise, I would have missed this very helpful and fruitful exchange below. I've actually gone to the trouble of transcribing it myself.

Kimmel: Bono, I've heard your story of how you travel around the country, and you spoke to many senators, many conservatives, many Republicans, in your fight against AIDS, to help you. You worked with not only President Clinton, but really with President Bush, very closely. Is President Trump someone you would like to meet with and work with?

Bono: Yeah, the ONE campaign, we work with everybody and [it] works, and on our board we've got conservatives and liberals. Our thinking is that you just need one thing to agree with somebody on, to start a conversation. And the fight against extreme poverty we thought was worth a conversation with anybody. However... [brief pause] [audience laughter] ...Everything's different now. It really is. [The] game has changed. And I have so much respect for a lot of the people who voted President Trump into office. I really understand. I understand that anger. I have some of that anger myself, coming from where we came from. I understand people being disillusioned with the political process and they think the body politic is sick and whatever. But I don't think President is--if you'll allow me to say this--I don't think he's the cure for this problem, and I think he might even make it worse. And I don't think there's any evidence in his life that he has the people who are hardest hit in mind, and that really saddens me. Because, I know he likes to see their faces in the crowd, but I don't think he wants to know who they are when they go home. And that saddens me. Again, it's with great respect for Republicans that I know and love and their party I admire. It's just [that] this is a different thing.

K: I get the sense that you guys love America more than 99 percent of the Americans that I know. [audience laughter and applause]

I don't doubt it. I love her too, enough to be distraught (at times) over her future. The most important thing for me to remember is that God has not brought her, or us, this far just to drop us now. Regardless of your politics, pray for America, please.

You could do worse than to... Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. -- Micah 6:8

I did bold for emphasis, but only to reflect their emphasis in speech.

Senses On Overload, Mister Spock

ME/CFS is neurological. It's not just all in my head, but that's where it starts. To witness, it causes serious sensitivity to all my senses. When I am in a flare, it causes my eyes to be sensitive to light to the point where any bright light produces a hangover-like ache that can trigger pain to refer down my neck and shoulders. On bad days, tinnitus symptoms go from normal to bad and make my ears very sensitive. Because I live with a small child or two at times, this makes any screams or even loud crying very painful.

But it's not just eyes and ears. My sense of smell can be very strong. If something is cooking, I will often be the one to tell anyone when they have less than a minute to save their meal from burning. That's handy, but it often isn't handy or helpful when someone doesn't listen and the house is filled with aromatic cremains of "botched meal." Smells I didn't grow up with, like cauliflower or beans being softened up in a crock pot, are extremely uncomfortable and can leave me queasy. I've had entire meals ruined by a single burnt side dish when my nose gets in the way.

Feelings Stronger

Perhaps the strongest sense I feel so very strongly isn't sight, hearing, or even smell-taste, it's touch. When I'm sensitive, little irritations like clothing that's too tight or rough, or skin that's too dry or too wet or sweaty, or even just a casual, accidental brush of someone walking by. I've had people brush by and it feels like they took all the nerves in my foot and sent every sensation in every neuron's memory all at once up my leg into into my head. WOW!

It's one thing to be dealing with the flu-like malaise and crushing nerve pain and brain fog, but to suddenly have the rush of a thousand different live-wire sensations running up your body to your brain, it's a bit like smashing your finger. Suddenly, the fatigue, the pain, and the fog don't matter a bit. The brain overload of someone merely brushing my foot pad with their leg as they walk by has me grasping my thigh and verbalizing--loudly--electrical shock and sensory overload. They didn't do anything, which sometimes is the worst part of ME/CFS.

Not Just A Sensitive Type

I don't just mean having sensitive nerves. I have had sensitive nerves ever since I was born. I had the genetic test recently to prove it, actually. I feel pain more intensely than most people. I have "Spidey-Sense" ability to tell when the oven is on from anywhere in the house not by smell but by feel. I can usually tell when a stove burner is on even when I'm in the next room. Why? Because I was burned often enough of as a kid. Burns are insanely painful, and they teach your neurons to remember what heat is. They're sensitive, but it's not the same as the ME/CFS sensitivity. I also have had tinnitus, which is why I became a sound tech. I needed some way to keep the music at church within my pain tolerances. Until I was in my late 20s, I didn't realize other people don't hurt when certain audio frequencies were hit. I figured everyone heard and felt what I heard and felt. "When did you realize...?" is a game I sometimes still play.

For this reason, I have what I'd like to call buffers. Just like you'd put foam in a pillow to fluff it up or put blinds down to block most of the sun when you're driving into the sunset or sunrise, I have buffers that take the edge off. Sometimes, I run out of them and I miss them. But here's a short list of

My ME/CFS Sensitivity Survival Gear

This is the stuff I use to put a buffer between me and a world of hurt when my nerves just can't cope.

Foam Earplugs

They're just dime store variety ear plugs but sometimes they are more valuable than gold! They are used in dozens of industries and hundreds of employers buy them by the box of 500. Strangely, what non-users don't always realize: earplugs do not usually make you deaf to all sound. They're meant to filter out a lot of it and let you hear the meaningful parts like when someone's shouting at you to get out of the way before you get squashed. Unless you're jamming two or three of the things in at once, you can usually hear people talking with normal voices for the most part.

But the high end of the sound, the treble that your parents HiFi had, the sound that the tweeters were there for and the stuff that sends most tinnitus sufferers through the roof? That's filtered. As well as some of the low range, bass, the thwup-wubba-wah-thwup-bup-owww sound that goes through walls every time the kid with the sub-woofers drives by, that's filtered to not hit your ears as much. And if you're not using them when your ears are nuts, you need to.

Earbuds

It's one thing to not hear what can drive you nuts. It's another thing entirely to need to not be where you are. How do you discretely escape while your friend is driving you to an appointment?  Having a pair of earbud style headphones are like having earplugs with the ability to cover up whatever is grating on your nerves. They're not just handy. They can be life savers, especially when you're travelling. 

Until God gives me something to match my eyelids for my ears, a pair of earbuds is perhaps the best way to disengage the world, with one exception and that's ...

Over The Ear Headphones

Ok, I can hear it now. "Steve, come on! You've already got earplugs and earbuds. Why do you need over the ear headphones?" Trust me. There are benefits and tradeoffs to each, and OEH fit a real niche.

Plugs are low tech, depend on nothing but your ability to roll them between your fingers. They don't get twisted up or wrapped around your neck if you fall asleep with them in. They function no matter what. Buds travel well, provide an aural sensation that you can focus on or simply use to cover up the worst of the noise. OEH don't travel so well, despite what that kid with the "Beats by Dre" headphones at the airport might have you believe. When you are in your "coccoon" at home, they work to isolate like no other, especially if you purchase a reliable "active noise cancelation" tech built in. It cushions all the painful noise you can't take in. Plus, they physically cover your ears in a way the other two just can't.

Add to this the fact that some have microphones and most have a volume control that is independent of the device it's connected to means you can soften things out without having to tweak every device you plug into. It's convenient. 

In the next post about Sense and Sensitivity, I'll cover the other senses and what else I use to set things right, or at least cope with symptoms until they improve.

This post is dedicated to my firstborn, Skye. Happy 20th baby! So much has gone right since I saw you arrive! I am the proudest papa on the planet!