Marble Pavers -- Nosce Te Ipsum

It's a secret as old as the curse. "Know thyself." Meaning, if you don't know your self, your heart, including your thoughts, your desires, what you want, and what you need, measuring out each to know how deep each one goes, you will fall by not knowing how the balance of all these burdens can sway you toward a particular pitfall.

I've struggled with a different balance, that of knowing my heart. I would rather live life than spend all of it ruminating and navel gazing. Religion can feed this by emphasizing one's actions over the grace God has for us. Given the impact of my disability and how it leaves me a lot of time for thinking and non-action, you'd think I'd spend most of my time knowing myself. I am surprised how little time I actually do spend in introspection. What is worse? On one hand, I could spend all my time critiquing my own actions or inaction, curled up like a pill bug or armadillo. On the other, I could spend it running and chasing from spot to spot, not knowing why I did anything I did and leaving a trail of destruction as my legacy. Neither is worthwhile, so the task is choosing the optimum, with the emphasis on following God's guidance both in general life and personal choice.

Knowing one's needs and wants could have helped Adam. He knew he loved Eve. He would go through anything to keep her. And yet, her desire to be more than what she was, and his inaction in the time of her temptation, led him to destruction and heartache. Had he known that he could have stopped Eve from listening to the serpent, and that he didn't need to join Eve in her sin, he might have ...well, it never came to that, did it? He didn't know his own heart. He chose to join her because he felt that he needed her more than anything else. He didn't know his heart and that it would betray him.

And women wonder why we don't listen to them more often! I'm only joking, because those that know me know that I depend on the women of my family for their trusted guidance. In Eve's case, it's not one of a woman wickedly leading man to his doom. It's that men learn that their own hearts can often take what the woman says to him and cause him to make choices that are against his general welfare. Men mistrust their own emotions because they lost the big game on a decision they didn't want to make. What Adam didn't see, what men don't see, is that God is there to make the way for him. No matter what happens, if a man turns to God in repentance, the future is always better than what man could have made it by himself. And if a woman points him to God, Eve's mistake is redeemed.

For the first time in a while, I've looked deeply into my heart. I see how the disability has poisoned some of my heart's deep loves. I love being outdoors and yet I live with the poison of not being outside because I can't stand the traffic we live with in our back yard. Frankly, my body feels assaulted by the vibrations of the traffic moving along at 40-50 MPH inches from my back yard. I used to wonder why I didn't see more people in the backyards that lined our cities streets. Once, I thought I would gladly take the evils of traffic if it meant I could have a yard of my own. No longer. And yet, that's not really why I don't want to go outside. It's because I want to keep going.

I don't want to stop at my fence. I want to keep going until I find a place I can rest my soul as much as I rest my body. And yet, I know that such a place is far enough away and not presently open financially and possibly physically to me going.

I want to go to a place where the things Karen has to do are not required. Where she can rest with me and we can talk and enjoy each other, working together. I want my kids to be able to go and do the things they want to do with each other and on their own. I want my son to discover his heart and follow it so that God can show him even better things than I have. I want my daughters to find their hopes and loves available to them at any point so that they can pursue and embrace them. It's not a fantasy. It's a real place.

I used to think this was a place on Earth. It's not. It's in heaven, and I want to see each of them there eventually. God has promised me this, so it's only a matter of time and waiting. Until that happens, I will wait here, marooned in the now and not-yet. knowing my heart and what I hope for will not be too far off and that prayer, faith, hope and love will carry us as a family toward that destination, the Home I have down the Road.